League of Inveterate Poets

Posted By Foolish Sage on November 6, 2009

Thought it was a good time for something a little lighter here…

Although my wonder years were all over the Midwest, I’ve always called New Jersey (or just “Jersey” to us natives) as my home state. It’s the place where I went through my adolesence and met my sweet wife.

In a fit of sudden nostalgia for a place most people can’t wait to get out of, here’s my Lonely Planet guide to obscure Jersey stuff…

You Might Be From New Jersey If…

You don’t think of fruit when people mention “The Oranges”.

No, you think of East Orange and West Orange and South Orange and, well, Orange. They’re places. People live there. Not anyone I know, though.

You know that it’s called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

Six Flags, the ClearChannel of amusement parks, bought this property many years ago, but all the locals loyally refuse to call it anything but Great Adventure.

You’ve known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

I really have. All roads down the shore eventually become the Garden State Parkway. I could’ve driven to Seaside Heights when I was seven, if I could’ve reached the pedals.

You know what a “jug handle” is.

It’s a way you can make a left turn by turning right first. Or, um, well…too hard to explain. Here:

Capisci?

You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.

You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

Obvious reference to a traffic circle–or “roundabout” as the Brits have it. These are found throughout New England, but North Jersey has way too many of them.

You know that a “White Castle” is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

White Castle burgers (known as “sliders”) are greasy little squares of “beef” with holes and steamed in onions. “Buy ‘em by the sack!” (TM). My friend Hudson and I bought about 50 or them one night and drove all the way down the shore [proper Jersey grammar - never down TO the shore] and back while eating them and stringing the little boxes they came in across the back window of his Plymouth Valiant. The next day I puked harder than I have before or since.

Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.

This is true. And his father is always named “Big Tony.” You do not mess with this kid. Do I need to explain this?

You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

Yes, I do –> Lincoln Tunnel to the Jersey Turnpike to Rte. 3 to Rte. 46 to tract housing in Little Falls to Tony’s home in North Caldwell. My family belonged to a swim club that was almost in the Soprano’s back yard.

You weren’t raised in New Jersey — you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

Karyn and I? North Jersey. Never New Jersey — puh-leaze!

You don’t consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

You mean…they are?

You remember the stores Korvette’s, Two Guys, Rickel’s, Channel, Bamberger’s and Orbach’s.

These stores were the precursors of most of today’s chain stores, thought they’re all gone now. Korvettes and Two Guys…read Walmart. Rickels and Channel…think Lowes and Home Depot. Bambergers and Orbachs were upscale department stores.

Fact is…anything in modern junk culture…Jersey had it first.

You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.

“Palisades has the rides
Palisades has the food
Come on over!
Palisades Amusement Park
Swings all day and after dark
Come and play and get cool
In the waves in our pool
You’ll have fun!
So come on over!”

If you’re over 40 and from Jersey, you’re singing along by now.

You’ve had a Boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

And Kohr’s custard and salt water taffy.

A few more quickies:

–You call them the Garden State and the Turnpike (never the Garden State Parkway or the New Jersey Turnpike). And you tell other Jersey-ites where you live by the exit number on the Garden State.
–You went to school with the son or daughter of a mobster
–You had your prom and/or wedding reception at a gigantic catering house like the Wayne Manor
–Bruce Springsteen’s early songs pretty much describe your high school years.
–You not only listen to Fountains of Wayne, you’ve shopped there.

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Category: It`s All About Me
Tags: Garden State Parkway, It`s All About Me, New Jersey, New Jersey Turnpike, sense of place