When to Kill a Heretic

HT to gullchasedship for this joke with a barb in it: (Note: this version used British denominational references. Fill in your own favorites from your own tradition. It will probably work just as well.)

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

He said, “Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

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8 Responses to “When to Kill a Heretic”

  1. Glenn Says:

    wasn’t this an Emmo Phillips joke in the early 90s?

  2. jeremy casella Says:

    priceless.

  3. Mark Traphagen Says:

    Glenn…it would never surprise me that you are more culturally astute than I. Who was Emmo Phillips?

  4. Geof F. Morris Says:

    Mark: Emo Phillips.

  5. Mark Traphagen Says:

    Yeah, I coulda Wikipediaed too…but I wanted to give Glenn a chance to show off.

  6. Geof F. Morris Says:

    I only pulled that for two reasons: 1) to get the spelling right and 2) posting Wikipedia links is one of my spiritual gifts, apparently.

  7. Glenn Says:

    Geof, you are Wiki-d. Nice gift. Mine is finding facial resemblances. Those who have the gift love it when I point out similarities and those who don’t have the gift think I’m crazy. Methinks your gift is more useful.

  8. Travis Prinzi Says:

    I love this joke. I used it recently at a college event I spoke at, and it went over quite well.

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