Posted at the request of my daughter Hannah…

As the release of Acoustic Joe Bassett’s critically acclaimed (which is to say, Geof likes it) debut EP Promised Land nears, I thought it might be time to rehash some of the rumors running like crazy around the CCM press concerning this epic recording.

Those of us with advance copies can now confirm that it includes…

-Insert booklet with 3D popups.

-Lyrics in seventeen languages.

-Cover photo of Joe walking across Rt. 13 in Dover with no shoes and out of step with everyone else (let the “Joe is dead” rumors begin)

-A four-disc extended version DVD of “Life of Joe” with making of Pomised Land behind the scenes extras.

-An “I’ve been to the Promised Land–and Joe is It” bumper sticker

-Acoustic Joe 10th Anniversary Commemorative Poster (although the 10th anniversary of what is not specified)

-Membership card for Acoustic Joe’s Flunkies I, which entitles you to admission to the special Flunkies Room after each concert (if you can get past Jeremy Casella’s overzealous security guards) and an invitation to “Flunkies Weekend” where you’ll camp in Joe & Rhonda’s backyard and hope that they might wave at you from their bathroom window or something. Dates of all “Flunkies Weekends” will be subject to change several times and will be announced about a week before they happen and two weeks after your membership card expires.

-A bonus CD with alternate mixes of all the Promised Land songs in which Joe’s voice and guitar are cut out of the mix.

-Seperate track containing running commentary by Andew Osenga and Larry the Cucumber

-A scratch and sniff spot on the back cover with actual aroma from Rhonda’s pot roast. Worth the price of the album alone!

-An actual hair from Cason Cooley’s beard (although that might have gotten in mine by accident)

-A secret decoder ring…so you’ll actually be able to understand Joe’s posts here

-Joe and Rhonda’s guide to the soy bean fields of Deleware.

PROMISED LAND RED RUMORS - PART II

EAST EARMUFF, DE - Pressed by hoards of reporters clamoring outside his home, newly crowned King of CCM Joe Bassett revealed his intended plans for his metoric career. Here’s what fans can expect in the years ahead:

Joe’s next release is tentativley titled Forty Acres of Soy Beans, with likely singles “Somewhere North of Wilmington” and “Petrified Brain”

That will be followed by Promised Land of Leavers in which Joe decides to experiment with new sounds like adding an ocarina band to the opening song. Joe’s wife Rhonda will have her lead vocal debut on this project with her tribute to her husband, “Piece of Ass”

Not to be left out of the blessings to be reaped (i.e. huge profits) in the burgeoning worship fad, Joe will release In the Company of Ingalls, a set of worship songs Laura might have sung to Pa. His recording of “I Boast Some More” will stir doctrinal controversy among his reformed listeners.

Finally, he’ll releae Black Homey, which will purport to be a return to his roots in hip hop, but will only confuse and disappoint his fans, who will accuse him of selling out to try to sell more songs on PBS classical music stations. At the release of this album, it will be announced that Rhonda is leaving him to work on her solo album, Thank God Almighty I Must and Shall Go Free of Joe. This CD will be banned from most Christian book stores because of a controversial song in which Rhonda confesses that Joe is a whore and tells the world that his room is a damned mess.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 5th, 2004 at 10:48 am and is filed under Randomness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.