The fiddler of love
In a recent thread on the Rumor Board, folks were asked to give the first thing that popped into their heads when they heard the words “arranged marriage.” I was fascinated by the disproportianate number of responses that were negative in tone. Now I’m not going to advocate a return to arranged marriages in our culture, but I don’t necessarily think this has been a bad thing throughout history in other cultures.
There is much historical evidence (that I don’t have at my fingertips at the moment) that arranged marriages, on the whole, have been a whole lot more successful than the “romance-based” marriages of western society. It seems that people in arranged marriages had a view that this was a done-deal; in many cases, because of the societally enforced committment, they found themselves growing to a deep and abiding love.
This is reflected in a scene from Fiddler on the Roof (which was my response to this thread’s question). Tevye, a poor Russian Jew, is in an arranged marriage with his wife, Golde. In a musical number, Tevye asks Golde, “Do you love me?” Golde is at first stunned by this question. She reminds her husband that for 26 years she has faithfully borne him children, washed his clothes, and cooked his meals. Isn’t that enough she wants to know. They both go on to recount the terror of their wedding night, when they were complete strangers to each other. But Tevye presses the question, and finally, in a moment of self-awareness, Golde realizes that yes, indeed, she does love him.
The message is that true love, the love that God intends for a man and wife to share together, is not completely dependent on modern romantic ideals.
While the [em]Fiddler [/em]story is an anecdote from fiction, it reflected the real-life experiences of Jews from that time period as recorded in their diaries and other writings.
And, as I think about it, in a way my marriage to Karyn was an ‘arranged’ marriage. Just the other day she reminded me that, at first, she really had no romantic inclinations toward me, and certainly no desire to marry me, but in some inexplicable way, God showed her that I was “de man.” As she walked toward me in obedience–surprise!–the romantic feelings emerged.
And here we are 26 years later. If I ask, “Do you love me?” there ain’t no hestiation in the response…most of the time!
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March 30th, 2004 at 11:32 am
I agree, Mark . . . as a married person I can see how so much of the dating scene is focused on feelings, while being married is more about choosing to love or to forgive or to be vulnerable, whether you feel that way or not. I have read a lot of the same statistics, that arranged marriages work long term much better than our current system here in America. We get too focused on ourselves.
March 30th, 2004 at 11:49 am
But are “arranged marriages” successful because the parties involved have no choice? That’s the answer that I’d give.
Of course, I’m sure that my response to this is largely based in my belief that things in this life aren’t so deterministic.
March 30th, 2004 at 12:17 pm
Geof…we in our democratic society naturally put a high value on free choice. This is why the Finney-type revivals took off so here, but failed elsewhere. They emphasized an individual experience, emotions, and choice.
In a sense, isn’t any marriage “arranged”? Particularly as Christians, we may initially choose whom we marry, but we are held in that marriage by a solemn covenant before God. In my experience, there are times when either Karyn or I, left to our emotions or romantic inclinations, might have chosen to not continue with each other. But we’re held by the “slavery” of our “arranged” covenant with God. And we thank God that we are. As we hold to that committment, the feelings eventually return.
Marriage, like our bond with Christ, is a “glorious enslavement”!
March 31st, 2004 at 12:39 pm
Is it just me, or does Tevye look like Osama Bin Laden?
March 31st, 2004 at 1:36 pm
Ha! Gary…I was waiting to see who would be the first person to say that.
Perhaps I should hold a caption contest for that pic.
April 2nd, 2004 at 8:58 am
Hmmm… so if our marriages were arranged, did Sarah marry for love and me for money? Wait a minute, that doesn’t work. So maybe I married for love and she married for money. Arrgh, how could you have married off two daughters who married for love - weren’t you thinking of who would cover your massive retirement fund when you grow old and tired?
April 2nd, 2004 at 9:09 am
We actually had you committed to the old, rich butcher; but then you wanted to run off with that tailor, and what could we do?
Don’t talk to me about your sister and her Marxist revolutionary guy!
April 2nd, 2004 at 3:59 pm
Smitty..er….Tevye, I was wondering, could you set me up with one of your faithful followers? Or maybe one of those friends that are friends forever? I really have nothing serious to say because I agree with Kari…
April 2nd, 2004 at 4:08 pm
Steven…perhaps a nice Jewish girl, hmmm? I’ll tell her mother you plan to be a doctor.
April 4th, 2004 at 11:14 pm
I went back and reread your post and I must say that, though not married, I do see how we misunderstand love and God’s model…commitment is hard to come by in friendships, let alone in love…the thing that stripes me is the divorce rate in Christian circles…