The Salieri Complex
I should really start a new category–”Self Pity”–for entries like this.
In the movie Amadeus, the composer Salieri is driven to madness by a question he cannot answer: Why is the boorish, uncouth young Mozart given this amazing gift to effortlessly create flawless music, while he, Salieri, who works so hard at it, produces, at best, “competent” music?
I see so many areas of my life where I feel like I’m a Salieri. I have things I really enjoy doing and want to be good at, but I’m made painfully aware that I’m merely competent (or worse!).
The area where this is most painful for me is in singing. I absolutely love to sing; few things give me such pure joy. I cherish long car trips alone for just the fact that I can sing along to CDs for several hours at the top of my lungs and not bother a soul. But the problem is, when I sing outside of the car, I know I bother quite a few souls.
Now its not like I can’t carry a tune. I can do so just well enough to be the worship leader at my church. Getting a large group of people to sing with me does not seem to be a problem. It’s anything solo that turns out painful. When I’m singing alone, without the ear support of a CD or a group, I’m told that I often go flat or sharp on notes…and I just don’t hear it.
So I’m left with something that I love to do that actually causes other people pain. The curse is that I am an all around ham…I love performing for people and will jump at any chance to act or speak publicly. I would love to do the same with my music, but it ain’t to be.
So this morning, as I feel waves of self-pity and remorse washing over me, I know I have a choice. I can succumb to the full effects of the Salierie Complex; I could shake my fist at God and gradually envelop myself in the madness that is rebellion against his purposes. Or I can be thankful. Thankful that I can sing at all. Thankful that I’ve been given enough musical gifts to do the things that I do do–playing several instruments reasonably well and leading others in worship. And maybe just “thankful that I’m incapable of doing any good on my own.” It’s all of grace…the gifts of God are his to give and us to be thankful for thsoe we have…and to show that thanks by sharing them whereever we can.
And there’s always those CDs in the car…that is if my voice isn’t so bad that it hurst God’s ears.
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March 27th, 2004 at 2:52 pm
But Mark, we’re encouraged by the Psalms to make a joyful noise unto the LORD, not a beautiful one.
I think we all know that “count it all joy” tends to reform our image of what joy truly means.
I’m quite sure that the LORD doth consider thy noises to be joyful, if not always quite in tune.
If it’s any consolation, I seem to have somewhat the same problem, especially in the car … and I’m regularly asked to sing in church and was All-State in choir when I lived in Mississippi for several years. I even had an offer of a college scholarship to Belhaven College when I was a freshman in HS.
So there I am, thinking I’m some badass singer, and one day, my roommate says, “Good Lord, will you stop singing?!”
March 27th, 2004 at 3:31 pm
I totally understand the Salieri Complex
I want to be able to create things that are on the same level as what inspires me. I used to be obsessed with making whatever I’m doing just as good, or else it just didn’t seem worth it. Fortunately, over the last year or so I’ve come to understand (with a lot of help from God, of course) that the joy you put into and get out of whatever you’re doing is worth so much more than creating something “brilliant”
March 27th, 2004 at 3:49 pm
Thanks, guys. I know in the end that it’s for the sheer joy…and that’s more than OK. Just wish I didn’t frighten small children, though
March 27th, 2004 at 4:12 pm
Dude, I’m SO a Salieri…what’s bad is when I’m around people that are…well, “untalented” for a long time, and I start feeling pretty good about myself…but then I go to New City Cafe on Open Mic Night…or I go an hang out with some friends who are musicians…and it’s like, well goshdarnit, I’m mediocre.
But I like mediocrity…It shows character.
March 27th, 2004 at 4:16 pm
Which is why, Joe, I love playing for the kids in my sixth grade advisory group…”Wow, Mr. T, you are the greatest guitar player in the world! How come you don’t get a group and make a million dollars or something?!”
God bless kids.
March 27th, 2004 at 8:54 pm
When I was in high-school, I was in a production of “Amadeus.”
Other than that…. I got nothing. I’m excellent in everything I do.
Or something.
Jeff
March 28th, 2004 at 4:42 pm
I thought about this entry at church today, because I sat beside the minister of youth and education, and her mom is a music minister . . . I am one of those people who CAN’T carry a tune, so I was more than a little uncomfortable. I wish I could sing off-key with as much abandon as William Hung from American Idol.
March 28th, 2004 at 5:07 pm
Kari…you mean there’s a place for me on American Idol? I’ve never watched the show, so I had no idea I could’ve pursued fame and fortune by singing off key…but then I should have known that from Bob Dylan, right?
March 28th, 2004 at 9:45 pm
When it comes to music, I’m pretty good…but, not all the time. Sometimes I am really good and sometimes I am really not good, it all depends on the situation: if a particular song requires much practice, if I did the practice, if that style of music is easy or difficult for me..on and on… but when it comes to other interests of mine….I am the mediocre one. I like being mediocre though, at times, because people tend to shun those who are really good something unless they have a magnetic personality . . but the mediocre guy, he fits in with folks. (said tongue in cheek, well partly)
March 29th, 2004 at 10:17 am
i guess i don’t understand, cause i’m coming from mozart’s perspective.
April 2nd, 2004 at 8:53 am
I can honestly say that sometimes your singing does hurt small children’s ears (I was never one to keep my mouth shut), but now, in the position of trying to lead our youth group band, I am quite humbled.
April 2nd, 2004 at 8:58 am
So when the Bible promises that “your children will rise up and call you blessed”….is this what it meant?
April 2nd, 2004 at 9:00 am
hee hee!
April 25th, 2005 at 10:14 pm
I have this complex, too. I write a poem, and it’s good - but then I read a poem by Paul Auster, and it’s damn good that I feel like a muddling amateur, even though I’ve been doing it for years.
Same with songwriting. People like John Mayer blow me away.
May 7th, 2005 at 6:35 pm
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